How not to spoil your child?
When Kostya was born, his mom and dad was 35 years. They had to wait a long time before it happened. Accordingly, great was the joy of that now they have a healthy baby. All the attention, warmth and care was intended now only child. His first attempts to crawl met with enthusiastic applause, the first independent steps is even greater glee. So what, you may ask. Is it wrong when the child pay a lot of attention when you give him a sense of security, marvel at it’s first steps? Of course, all this is so. But nevertheless something was done wrong: literally everything that made little Kostya was anxiously discussed, was celebrated as a holiday. He lifted the spoon to her mouth — applause, knocked over something — applause, pulled up his hands to show how big he is, again applause. And relatives happily clapped their hands not only when the coast was able to do something for the first time, but when he did it for the tenth or twentieth time.
The consequences were not long in coming: soon parents felt for Bones important thing is not to hold the spoon, to give the cube or be able to do anything else. He was interested in already not the things themselves, to which he drew attention, but only applause, which was awarded to his behavior.
The disaster broke out, when the mother’s Bones became pregnant a second time. In its year and a half, he quickly felt that something had changed: her mom was not able to effortlessly lift him in her arms, sometimes for days remained lying, and the word “child” in the family began to sound out of touch with him.
Kostya turned his “mastery” to get attention in a negative way: react violent bouts of stubbornness, when the mother gently explained that now can’t move it across the road on his hands, started writing again in my pants, pushed the dining table so that was rattling and falling utensils.
With the birth of a daughter Kati to the situation in the house became dangerous: Kostya pinching and scratching the baby when she could reach, threw the pillows on her bed, again and again molested the mother, demanding to “take it back”. Children even for a second it was impossible to leave alone. In addition, the process of breastfeeding mom brought the Bones to despair, turning each day into a solid drama. Children’s doctor gave her an otherwise sensible tip: when feeding the baby seat bones next to him, giving him a picture book. But nothing came. Kostya immediately jumped up and was looking for an opportunity to provoke the mother, each time coming up with something new. For example, I started unwinding the thread from the ball, bringing colorful crayons and razmalevana wall, rocked a floor lamp so that he could fall on a glass table, and it defiantly looked mother in the eye. She had to interrupt the feeding to do.
This “ordeal” lasted quite long. Spasmodic tension in which the family lived, was phased out only after the second child, Kate, was a year and a half. Coast by that time it was already four, he gradually somehow got used to his position, went to kindergarten. where got his own friends, and was no longer interested in the “little man”. Now he seems to be “moved to the Premier League”.
The most paradoxical thing in this story was the fact that parents are the Bones were guided by the principles that encourages modern child psychology: sought to give the child a sense of confidence and security, to surround him with love. They celebrated and praised all his little accomplishments, was very sensitive to him, always tried to be predictable, understandable to the child. So what did they do wrong?
They just overdid it, too obviously putting bones in the center of family life or rather, too often showed him that he is the main “value” of the family. However, they refused themselves and their interests (not only when it was really necessary) to such an extent that the Bones were inevitably get the impression: there is no one more important than him. Even when they came grandparents or other guests, in the first half of the year everything revolved solely around the Bone and his abilities. Each took him on her knees, shook, squeezed, someone always played with him when he began to crawl.
So Bone deficit “employment” and incorrect program behavior. The deficit was related to the games: why try to play it yourself, if there was always someone who showed him some game? Incorrect behavior was a result of these deficiencies: because he is not learning to play, as the game, stimulating interest in the communication with the surrounding world of things remained closed for him (only in kindergarten, he gradually made up for lost time), it is entirely shifted on to meet their need in the classroom, forcing others to take it. For example, classes for children 1 year more difficult to create an interesting game that the kid is not bored, but for older kids easier.
Can cite several examples showing what did not invent spoiled children . to defend their customary privileges.
Mary was a wonderful baby, cute, not requiring special supervision: no problem during the day and almost no night. “One can only envy,” said the other mother. But then, around the age of two, she suddenly turned into some restless imp: not saying a word, suddenly started running from the kitchen into the room, around a large table, ran to the garden, rushed among the bushes and, if she wasn’t able to catch, fell with a run straight into the compost heap. At first it was a game, the parents laughed and ran after her, shouting: “Catch up-catch up!” But soon laughed only Masha, especially when I pulled out on the street and quickly ran to the crossroads. Parents felt powerless, not knowing how to wean Masha from such dangerous antics.
The reason in this case that of a child being spoiled . for many Rodney Masha was a star, she received a lot of attention, but she had little time to learn to play independently. Therefore, when parents left the Car with grandfathers-grandmothers, the house was quiet. For Masha too quiet, so she tried to “give life”: with her when no one did, she rushed to escape.
Similar story was with Stepa. Parents also paid him too much attention, though not by his own will: he forced them. Being a difficult child, he never fell asleep before 12 o’clock at night. And even then only for two or three hours, forcing parents to stay awake all day. When they tried to gradually reduce the amount we pay attention to him, he accidentally discovered an effective means of opposition, was throw in the air for all sorts of things. First some small things, then cubes, spoons, and at the end — and the Cup.
Thus, what the child was spoiled, not always only the result of an error unwittingly committed parents out of love and enthusiastic attitude towards their child. Often this is facilitated by external circumstances forcing to literally spoil the child .
With Misha all began when he was an infant was crying half the night and fell asleep only from exhaustion. At some point, the parents began to take him to his bed. Cry baby stopped, but now “crying” parents: now Misha is already five years old and he still sleeps with his mother in the bed with parents. All attempts to send in his own bed, still crash into stubborn resistance of the child. So much so, that six months ago the boy again began to write in bed, when my parents wanted to get him to sleep in the nursery.
I hope that by surrounding the baby care and attention, you still try to “control myself”. Remember: from the pedestal on which you raise their child, the child may fall — then it will hurt both him and you.