The child’s relationship with the father after divorce
After divorce relationship between the parents of a child is often aggravated and take the sharp nature of communication: resentment, recrimination, regret about the past time.
Some mothers in this situation have chosen the strategy of “out of sight, out of mind”. However, solving their psychological issues, is unacceptable from a human and legal point of view to make the same decision for the child.
In more than 90 % of cases after divorce the child is left to live with her mother. Such statistics are attributed to the well-established tradition, according to which the education of the child is perceived by society primarily as the responsibility of the mother, and the belief that fathers can not fully take care of the baby. Such a stereotype is transmitted from generation to generation and generates as a result of irresponsibility on the part of many fathers in relation to their children and at the same time mother’s unwavering belief in the sole “right of child”.
Mom, unfortunately, sometimes forget that a child is a small person with independent rights given to him by birth and law. And one of them is the right to communicate with his father.
The trend of judicial practice and sociology, recently spoke about the increasing number of situations where fathers genuinely want to participate in the life of children after the breakup. Fatherhood becomes a high value in the company of men as a component of the personality of men.
No wonder Europe father’s Day is celebrated with the same scale as we March 8th.
The order of communication
The order of communication of the father, living separately from the child, can be installed essentially in two ways.
1. On a voluntary basis. If the mother fears that the former spouse will abuse the meetings with the child (i.e. to see him too often, without warning, disrupting the established mode of study and recreation, etc.), the order of communication should be put in writing.
This can be done either in writing, preparing the document itself by printing and signing, agreeing on the days and time of the communication, the procedure for notification about the next date, the joint recreation and other items or a notary. This formalism disciplines both parties, which positively
effect on the psychological climate.
2. In court. Unfortunately, our legislation is constructed in such a way that in order to implement the child’s right to fellowship with the father himself, the father must file a claim to nachinaniy obstacles in communication and/or determining the order of communication with the child.
The protection is subject to the father’s right to communication, although indirectly implies that decisions on such claims should be taken based on the interests of the child. Guardianship never seek the protection of the rights of the child in matters of communication with the other parent and the child because of age does not possess this capacity.
The path to peace
If the child is still small (under 10 years), then, from a legal point of view, his opinion may not be considered by the court when deciding about the desire and right fellowship with the father. From the age of 10 the child should be questioned in court. However, the negative opinion of his father is already created, and the execution of court decisions on the procedure of communication with him becomes flour for the child (in connection with the alienation) and father, who finds emotional response from your child.
At trial the most frequent reasons for the reluctance of the mother to allow the child the fellowship of the father, are as follows:
• the child is too small — the father can’t handle it;
• the child is more attached to me;
• the child has not seen his father for a long time and forgot it;
• the child is afraid of the father because during the marriage the father had a terrible fight;
• your child has a tough schedule (study circles).
However, if the mother is acting in the interests of the child, when determining the method of communication with the father you can find the best option that will take into account all of the above fears and reducing them to the minimum.
By a court decision
Mothers who restrict their child in dealing with estranged father, you need to assume that in most cases, claims for nachinaniy obstacles and establishing the order of communication of the child with the father satisfied the court fully or in part.
The exception is the situation when the fellowship of the father can objectively cause harm to physical and psychological health of the child (alcoholism, drug addiction, severe mental diseases, open tuberculosis, etc.).
The standard solution in terms of communication of the child with the father for children under seven years old — two days off per month (Saturday or Sunday) without the nights and one night in the middle of the work week.
For children over seven years of communication, as a rule, with the possibility of accommodation on site father twice a month, as well as the possibility of holding a joint vacation for one week twice a year during school vacation periods.
In practice, the conclusion about the optimal order of communication make the bodies of guardianship and guardianship, which take into account, first, the identity of the father (the absence of alcoholism, drug addiction, and having a decent job, material wealth, etc.), secondly, housing and social conditions of the child’s father (the availability of a berth, a working space for the child, the availability of a new family and stepbrothers/sisters, etc.) and, thirdly, and other circumstances in the case file documents.
From the point of view of examination
The most important document that allows an objective approach to solving complex problems, are the results of psychological and pedagogical examination. In other words, it is the opinion of a child psychologist on the interpersonal relations of the child and parents.
Both mother and father can demand in court this expertise. For mom this is a real chance to determine the true needs of the child, to go to a psychologist with emotional issues, to try to find the best option of communication.
Many beliefs, for example, that after a long break in fellowship with the father, the child may not want to see him, are misleading. The child’s need for communion with the father can be objectively established in the conduct of such examination, when the interaction of a psychologist with the child and the father is without the presence of the mother, without her influence. Mothers need to try not to confuse your feelings to her ex-husband with the child’s feelings towards his father.
On the other hand, if a psychologist is determined that a child is objectively afraid of his father because, for example, in the past causing strong physical or psychological pain to the child, the results of such examination will help to explain to the court the arguments that will help to limit the communication.
This examination is carried out, usually in three stages:
1) the psychologist communicates separately with the child;
2) the psychologist observes the child and father when you run the test task;
3) the psychologist observes the child and mother during the test tasks.
Upon completion of such examination establishes whether the opinion of the child about the father/mother formed under the pressure of the second parent; it also reveals the level of understanding of the child with each parent, the level of autonomy of thought of the child, his needs for companionship, the need for special treatment of child diseases of the Central nervous system, etc. Many mothers are genuinely surprised that the child remembers rare meeting with his father as a holiday, while in the presence of her mother he was afraid to Express my thoughts.